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Johnny Depp movies are trending like crazy this week, so I figured I’d watch one I’d never seen. In retrospect, I should’ve chosen a different film… Secret Window was seriously underwhelming. While Johnny’s performance was fine for what it was, I’ve never been into the whole “delusional protagonist” trope. In this case, it was downright predictable, certainly not shocking or scary.

What would’ve been a great twist? If the wife, Amy, had been behind it all. Instead, she’s a bland, unwitting victim, just another unimaginative cliché.

That said, I enjoyed the setting/production values, and the acting was decent. It wasn’t a terrible movie, just a bit boring from my perspective.

MY RATING: ⭐⭐

I disliked a lot of things about this movie, but let’s start with the title. “Student Seduction”? There was no seduction involved, just a violent, rape-y ass kid preying on students and teachers alike. While that’s fine as a premise, trying to make it sound sexy is misleading and gross.

Another gross thing was the husband. He spends at least half the movie trying to pressure Elizabeth Berkley’s character into getting pregnant, only to be dismissive of (or annoyed by) her feelings on the matter. Of course, that would be fine if he was portrayed as a villain/antagonist, but he isn’t. His shitty behavior is supposedly okay because he’s a “good” guy.

When she does end up pregnant? Everyone (including her) is thrilled about it. WTF?

Look, I get that this movie is from 2003. Different times, different standards and all that. But 2003 isn’t 1950 either. This was a woman who clearly and emphatically stated that she wasn’t ready to have a baby, which was treated as irrelevant. IMO, a much more satisfying conclusion would’ve included a.) getting an abortion, and b.) divorcing her trashbag husband.

Instead, all we got was her clearing her name, and even that was unsatisfying. The movie never shows the kid actually getting punished for multiple rapes/attempted rapes. It’s just implied by her returning to her classroom and one of his other victims being in a better mood.

All in all? Not the worst Lifetime movie I’ve ever seen, but definitely not the best. I’d sum it up as mediocre/vaguely annoying.

MY RATING: ⭐⭐

I’ve always hated the way people trash Lifetime movies. Sure, some of them are crap, but others (like this one) are legitimately good. Mischa Barton does an excellent job in her role as the main character, and the mystery (i.e. “who is the cyber stalker?”) was full of fascinating (and often frightening) twists and turns. When the real villain was exposed, I gasped out loud. It really was the last person I would’ve suspected, which is exactly what I want in a suspense movie.

Other things I loved:

• Mischa Barton’s wardrobe, especially the black dress she wore to her art exhibit.
• The guy she ends up dating is super hot.
• Surprise Dan Levy appearance!

Needless to say, I really enjoyed this one. Would definitely recommend!

MY RATING: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

While I love classic Johnny Depp/Tim Burton collaborations (i.e. Edward Scissorhands), I haven’t liked most of the newer stuff (post 2000). That’s why I didn’t see Dark Shadows when it came out… I still hadn’t forgiven them for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

10 years (and a very persistent Netflix recommendation) later, I decided to give them another chance. I’m so glad I did, because I loved this movie. Granted, it was no cinematic masterpiece, but I was thoroughly entertained. It hit my Burton/Depp sweet spot – dark, brooding, and self-aware, underscored with just the right amount of campy humor. I also loved the soundtrack and Alice Cooper cameo – the latter in particular was a nice surprise.

My only complaint? I wish Johnny Depp had shown more emotional depth, though that has more to do with him as an actor than this particular movie. He’s lost a lot of softness/sensitivity over the years, which used to be my favorite thing about his performances.

That said, I did like his character. His chemistry with Michelle Pfeiffer was particularly good.

MY RATING: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Without question, the best part of this movie was Phylicia Rashad as the detective. That alone made it worth watching.

Other than that, it was decent as far as “made-for-TV” thrillers go. While it was predictable at times and definitely had its cheesy moments, I loved the 90s nostalgia. Keri Russel was gorgeous, and she played her role really well. The other characters (aside from Phylicia Rashad) did an okay job, but were fairly forgettable.

Overall? Not a bad movie. Not a great one, but not bad either.

MY RATING: ⭐⭐⭐

At the time this movie came out (2000), I was obsessed with romantic comedies. This is one of the few I didn’t see, mainly because I’d heard so many bad things by the time it came out on DVD. More recently, it was covered on a movie podcast I follow, both of the hosts concluding that a.) it doesn’t hold up, and b.) it’s genuinely awful.

To be fair, there’s a lot to dislike about it. Some of the female stereotypes are obnoxious, and Mel Gibson’s character is intolerable for at least half of the movie. It’s also way too long, and the music/score is horrible. Seriously, I hate that frenetic, jazzy New York shit, and I can’t stand Frank Sinatra.

Other than that? The movie wasn’t that bad. The characters/relationships are more endearing toward the end, and there were moments that were legitimately funny. Granted, I don’t think I’ll ever watch it again, but as far as mediocre late 90s/early 2000s romantic comedies go? I can think of worse ones.

MY RATING: ⭐⭐

I was obsessed with Lifetime movies in the 90s/early 00s, but I haven’t watched one since I got rid of cable about a decade ago. Damn, I’d forgotten how much I love them. The drama! The suspense! The slight edge of cheesiness that is always present, no matter how much their production values have improved over the years.

This movie in particular? Fucking fantastic. Yeah, the plot might’ve been predictable, but you know what? Lifetime movies aren’t about plot twists. They’re all about satisfaction, which is particularly true when it comes to my favorite trope. Crazy, obsessive dude targets hapless victim? There’s nothing I love more than seeing that guy get kicked in the proverbial nuts.

Obviously, I need to watch more Lifetime movies. Judge me if you want, but I find them way more entertaining than the average Oscar-winning film.

MY RATING: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

I’ve lost count of how many “movies based on a Nicholas Sparks novel” there are, largely because most aren’t as memorable as The Notebook. That said, I always enjoy them, and this one was no exception. It was sweet, romantic, and the two main actors had great chemistry. I also liked the children, especially Lexi. They were genuinely likable and well behaved, a nice alternative to bratty/annoying caricatures I’ve seen in other movies.

Overall, I liked this film. I can’t say it had me on the edge of my seat, but it was well acted, had a decent plot, and the filmography/setting was beautiful. A solid effort.

MY RATING: ⭐⭐⭐